@bornmiserable: if you love someone, set them free; now you don't have to buy anything for Valentine's Day
@bornmiserable: in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
@bornmiserable: blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
@bornmiserable: when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I'll look like I'm disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral