Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of bornmiserable's best tweets

@bornmiserable : [any medication commercial] good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you

@bornmiserable: HIM: if you have a moment, I'd like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

@bornmiserable: [office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

@bornmiserable: if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper "oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim"

@bornmiserable: [funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals

@bornmiserable: [me, watching Alfred Hitchcock's The Birds] oh, there they are

@bornmiserable: EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I'm going to put ice cream trucks on the moon

@bornmiserable: [someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house

@bornmiserable: THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals

@bornmiserable: ME: sorry, I'm just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you