Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of bornmiserable's best tweets

@bornmiserable : I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in "everyone enters, but not everyone leaves"

@bornmiserable: if you love someone, set them free; now you don't have to buy anything for Valentine's Day

@bornmiserable: just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes

@bornmiserable: in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass

@bornmiserable: [me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE

@bornmiserable: blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year

@bornmiserable: [Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]

@bornmiserable: when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I'll look like I'm disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral