Funny Tweeter

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Page of bornmiserable's best tweets

@bornmiserable : Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.

@bornmiserable: [Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf's skull] No reason

@bornmiserable: COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don't just talk about yourself either.

@bornmiserable: [me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don't have a favorite really

@bornmiserable: Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid

@bornmiserable: LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer

@bornmiserable: My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

@bornmiserable: HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.

@bornmiserable: My greatest fear is that I'll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

@bornmiserable: POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING'S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL