whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
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landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Hello, pest control? Yes, I have these noisy little critters. They got into the snacks, made a mess of the place and keep calling me mom.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Pee pressure > peer pressure
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.