The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
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I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
ME: I hate owls
[Owl turns his head 180°]
OWL: What?
ME: Oh I didn’t see you there
OWL: Are you talking behind my back?
ME: I’m…I’m not sure
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Bill is short for Billiam
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Parents, need a little free time Easter morning?
Have your kids hunt for Easter eggs that you never hid.
Bonus points for telling them they’re getting warmer.
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.