Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
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Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
watergate? u mean a dam??
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Frankenstein was 90% about someone making up a guy and then getting mad at him
I do my best yoga when I’m trying to reach an M&M that rolled under my desk.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around