On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
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Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big
[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilosME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
you stereotypes are all alike
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot