If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
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ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Interviewer: Biggest weakness?
Me: The delusions
Interviewer: Like what?
Me: Sometimes I think I’m being interviewed
Bus driver: where are your pants?
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs