Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
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Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.