@briangaar: FOUR STAGES OF LOSING MY KEYS
1. Can't find keys
2. Accuse everyone around me of taking my keys
3. Find keys
4. Apologize for key witchhunt
@briangaar: At this point, I'm pretty sure the main reason Donald Trump ran for president was to get more Twitter followers
@briangaar: [Captain America, minutes after the love of his life's funeral] Damn her niece is hot
@briangaar: Donald Trump is basically the villain in every anime so I assume he'll be defeated by a 13-year-old boy in short pants
@briangaar: Republicans: Don't let Syrians in!
Trump: Don't let ANY Muslims in!
Republicans: TOO FAR (dude be cool, we’ve got an election to win)
@briangaar: I always carry a pair of shades with me because you never know when you might see a dead body & say something cool
@briangaar: Happy 30th birthday Super Mario Bros. To celebrate, I'm going to eat mushrooms, punch a brick wall & set a turtle on fire.