When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
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I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Yup.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Natty or not?
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week