Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of bridger_w's best tweets

@bridger_w : When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I'd like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

@bridger_w: I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors' pottery I can smash

@bridger_w: Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, "I'll never forget the time we spent together"

@bridger_w: This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all

@bridger_w: FYI, you don't have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, "How's everything tasting"

@bridger_w: When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won't have to look for one when I become a ghost

@bridger_w: Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, "I think you owe me an apology," then turn off your phone and go to bed

@bridger_w: I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style

@bridger_w: Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

@bridger_w: Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it's important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair