Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of bridger_w's best tweets

@bridger_w : I'm in a weird place in life because I'm not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

@bridger_w: My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle

@bridger_w: If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat right next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money"

@bridger_w: If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works

@bridger_w: For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it's actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties

@bridger_w: When I'm worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

@bridger_w: When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I'd like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

@bridger_w: I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors' pottery I can smash

@bridger_w: Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, "I'll never forget the time we spent together"

@bridger_w: This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all