Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
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Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I hate self-promotional people. They’re so into themselves they probably don’t even realize I have a new album available on iTunes now
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves