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I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Match dot com, but for socks.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?