These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
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imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
[Lois & Superman’s first date]
Superman: You look beautiful, Loren.
Lois: What? Who’s Loren?!
*Superman flies around the earth and reverses time*
Superman: You look beautiful, Lois.
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this