Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
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Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.