Boss: Who’s this? Your girlfriend?
Me: Oh she’s not my girlfriend. Not yet anyway *gives her an affectionate nudge* Actually it’s our first date
Her: I’m having the worst time
@brynnester: As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me
Me: I wish Jim was alive. He was my best friend
Priest: Jim is alive. I saw him yesterday
Me: Yeah I was getting to that part
@brynnester: Me: There's plenty more fish in the sea
Fisheries Guy: Actually the fish population is dwindling at an alarming rate
Me: You're not helping
@brynnester: Bank Robber: EVERYONE STAY STILL & RAISE YOUR HANDS
Me: How can we ‘stay still’ & also raise our hands?
Other Bank Robber: He’s right Colin
@brynnester: Boss: *introducing me to new co workers* This is Linda. She always answers the phone
Me: How are you Linda?
Linda: The phone
@brynnester: [First Date]
Her: My last boyfriend dumped my by text message!
Me: *trying to impress* when I dump you I'll definitely do it face to face
@brynnester: My wife likes to make love with Barry Manilow in the background. It's as awkward for him as it is for me