Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of brynnester's best tweets

@brynnester : [Conference Call] “After the tone please say your name” *Tone* Me: *nervous* Your name

@brynnester: Nine hundred and ninety nine islands have contributed to this salad dressing so far but I still feel like it’s missing something....

@brynnester: Me: *chopping onions*
Her: Why are you crying?
Me: I used to have a pet onion when I was a kid

@brynnester: My therapist says it's ok for me to cry in public as long as I wear clothes

@brynnester: Her: *shyly* If I told you I loved you would you say it back?
Me: Of course
Her: Then I love you
Me: It back

@brynnester: [Interview]
Boss: Who’s this? Your girlfriend?
Me: Oh she’s not my girlfriend. Not yet anyway *gives her an affectionate nudge* Actually it’s our first date
Her: I’m having the worst time

@brynnester: As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me

@brynnester: [Confession]
Me: I wish Jim was alive. He was my best friend
Priest: Jim is alive. I saw him yesterday
Me: Yeah I was getting to that part

@brynnester: Me: There's plenty more fish in the sea
Fisheries Guy: Actually the fish population is dwindling at an alarming rate
Me: You're not helping

@brynnester: I'm dating a girl who owns a broken guitar. No strings attached