[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
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oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Rooting for the overdog
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
🤣🤣🤣
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman