I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”