FINE, I WON’T.
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Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
‘Becoming A Mother Has Been The Most Thrilling Experience Of My Life,’ Reports Woman Fleeing Hospital With Stolen Baby
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché