How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
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him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5