me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
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I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
[On The Cross]
Jesus:”Father, forgive them, fore they know no-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.