I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
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*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.