You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
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Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
My husband just bought ice cream with raisins. So, that was a fun marriage.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.