Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
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My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.