Daughter: Brings home an A+ on her presentation…
Son: Brings home 3 different hoodies he’s left at school…
Husband: Oh wow! Big day for both of you, huh?!
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Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
😂🤣😂🤣
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.