I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
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giddy up Office Depot
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
Erm…