I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
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My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?
Support your local cemetery
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up