Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
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3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.