The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
You Might Also Like
Green is just blue that someone peed in
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing