Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of caithuls's best tweets

@caithuls : ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

@caithuls: ‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

@caithuls: HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I'm wearing and also me] thanks

@caithuls: [calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y'all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

@caithuls: [bird watching] when's the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

@caithuls: PROFESSOR: Please don't speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

@caithuls: [meeting a friend's new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?

@caithuls: A lot of people don't know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too

@caithuls: OPPONENT: I'm gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

@caithuls: MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy

ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!