Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of caithuls's best tweets

@caithuls : I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn't switch bodies wtf disney??

@caithuls: ME: So it's like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

@caithuls: [picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy :)

@caithuls: Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

@caithuls: ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too

FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket

@caithuls: ‘Drinking water successfully’ is out

‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in

@caithuls: HIM: I like your shirt!

ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I'm wearing and also me] thanks

@caithuls: [calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y'all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah

@caithuls: [bird watching] when's the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

@caithuls: PROFESSOR: Please don't speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand