#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
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Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.