[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
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her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye