the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
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Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain