I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
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I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
Asking me if I want a bag for the box of tampons I just bought is like asking me if they’re for here or to go.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?