Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of callmeEvian's best tweets

@callmeEvian : Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night- Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex- Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

@callmeEvian: Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.

Me: Are you serious?

Him: I shit you knot.

@callmeEvian: I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

@callmeEvian: He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.

@callmeEvian: Octopus GIRL: You’re so cute.

Octopus BOY: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?

Octopus GIRL: C’mere, ya lil Squirt.