@callmeEvian: Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
@callmeEvian: I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
@callmeEvian: He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
@callmeEvian: Octopus GIRL: You’re so cute.
Octopus BOY: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
Octopus GIRL: C’mere, ya lil Squirt.