“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
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SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
#ParentingFacts
Anyone really
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet