[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
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My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.