Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
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The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Give one 6 year old $100 for its birthday and suddenly you’re invited to every party in town…I know what I’m doing.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”