the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
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Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
They’re not wrong
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?