My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
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baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
[Next door dog barking]
Me: *inserts earpugs*
[Barking intensifies]
Me: wtf…………….haha oh *removes earpugs and inserts earplugs*