“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
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I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Wife “WHY ARE THERE MUDDY FOOTPRINTS ALL OVER THE HALL?”
[Me while trying to push a zebra up into the attic] Must be that damn dog again…
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Somebody call the cops.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
❤️❤️❤️
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]