A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
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If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
i will avenge u mr van gogh
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
doing your own taxes
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?