As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
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Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
Catercrombie & Fish
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
A dying fire will always attract a dad with a stick who will poke it twice and say, “…that should do it.”
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
The glory of fall.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island