Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
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My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Her ~ That smells expensive what is it?
Me ~ Kerosene…
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go