“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
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I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote