It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
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Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
@isabelzawtun I work at a pet supply store. One time a customer called to set up a delivery. He wanted a dog toy in his order but didn’t know which one. I had to pick out toys and squeak them into the phone for him until he heard the “right one.”