[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
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So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”
CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Risking my life for fun.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.