If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
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Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
Oh my God.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn