Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
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No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
My kid: Why are you always TALKING and asking me to do stuff.
My husband: Get used to it kid.
Me to my husband: I knew you could hear me.
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Good boy 😂😂
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it