Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
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Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
Natty or not?
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
so, is there a mister shapen head
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
Barbie gone wild