One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
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this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
mariah carrie
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.