Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??
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Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
The Weeknd is back
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.