Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
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people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Shower sex be like:
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
Ever notice how like 97% of people just make up statistics on here?