FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
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Taylor Swift鈥檚 future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don鈥檛 follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it鈥檚 like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it鈥檚 legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Nature鈥檚 first bud, spring is in bloom
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Me: sorry I can鈥檛 work today, the baby鈥檚 not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It鈥檚 Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
Call your teenage daughter by the dog鈥檚 name one time and she doesn鈥檛 talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Paw Patrol, but it鈥檚 just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 饾槰饾槳饾槰饾槰饾槶饾槮
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn鈥檛 a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.