New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
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I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
WTF
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic